what to say to a brother that is having marital problems wthout intruding

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Some years after my decision to divorce, I thanked my parents for not pressuring me ane manner or the other on the "stay-or-go" issue. Making that hard decision myself really forced me to grow, I told them.

My dad replied, "We knew at that place would exist pain whether you got divorced or didn't. And we knew yous had to choose that pain for yourself."

That was the all-time advice I ever got—and it wasn't exactly communication.

I call back about this incident often, particularly when another adult asks me to give advice or when I'm nervy enough to barrel in without existence asked. Equally fellow Psychology Today blogger Thomas Plante points out in a funny and insightful weblog mail service, giving advice can be fraught with peril. Some people react rebelliously and do the very thing you brash confronting. Others go defensive and attack y'all, leading to the bewildered respond, "I was only trying to help!" Still, others enquire for advice but then tell yous a million reasons why your suggestions won't work. Why the negative reactions? Plante points out that many people view advice as an infringement on their personal freedom or an attack on their competence.

Does that mean yous should say cipher when a friend or relative faces a dilemma?

I don't call up so. While it's unsafe to give advice, it'due south besides dangerous, and perhaps unkind, to say cipher or to back away from a friend's need to talk about a painful situation. Your withdrawal could exist interpreted every bit common cold and distancing, or, worse, uncaring. Even if y'all end upward feeling that you haven't helped much, many friends feel grateful just considering you lot've been willing to take the time to help grapple with their issues. That accomplishment will brand y'all both feel ameliorate. That'southward the upside.

But earlier you dive in to help, there are at least five more hard truths to consider.

1. An developed has the right to make their own decisions about their life. Ultimately what they practice is their option. (For the purposes of this blog, I'm bold the person is 25 or over—that is, with consummate encephalon development and in possession of all their faculties—and that there is no adventure to anyone's life or limb involved.)
2. The other person has to live with the decisions they make. Y'all don't.
3. You can never really know the totality of another person's situation. What they tell you may be the tip of their personal iceberg.
4. If you lot have a stake in the outcome of your friend's activity, maybe you can't be unbiased. Like an honorable estimate, recuse yourself from the instance.
5. You have probable made some bad decisions in your own life. If you lot remind yourself of this fact, it will go on you humble and avoid a superior, "I know best" stance.

Advice-Giving and Beyond

With ane exception, the ix tips below will enable y'all to aid a friend without giving direct advice near activity to be taken. The goal is to respect their right of self-determination and to strengthen their sense of self:

1. Just be there. Listen. Your very presence can be a comfort to a friend. Sometimes keeping someone visitor while they go through their trials is a gift in itself.
2. Sympathise with the other person's situation. Endeavor, "You are in a tough situation"; Sounds like you lot're between a rock and a difficult place"; or "I'grand so lamentable yous have to face this kind of problem right now."
3. Utilise the skill of tentativeness. "Tentative" means "not fully worked out, uncertain, or hesitant," from the Latin, pregnant "to try." Instead of assuming an expert stance, take a tip from the Buddhists and offering observations with a "beginner's listen." For example, say, "I could be wrong, but it seems to me…."; "It sounds similar…"; "Maybe you lot are feeling…"; "I'm not sure, just mayhap you worry that…"; or, "If you lot felt comfortable doing it, yous could consider trying …." When you employ this skill, you lot communicate that you don't have an like shooting fish in a barrel solution all wrapped upward in a bright red bow. If the trouble were simple, your friend wouldn't need you!
4. Tell a story. Instead of giving direct advice, tell a brief story well-nigh what happened to y'all or someone else (without violating anyone's confidentiality) that could shed calorie-free on your friend's state of affairs—"Do y'all want to hear what happened to me when I was in a similar situation?" As Emily Dickinson wrote, "Tell the truth but tell it camber." Simply don't make your story so long that y'all steal the spotlight from your friend.
5. Aggrandize your friend's perspective. If your friend seems to be afflicted with tunnel vision, help them expand their perspective. You could say, "At that place could exist some other way to look at this. What about…?" You could also expand perspective by pointing out the consequences of their actions to their future self: "This may seem similar a skillful thought at this moment, but how will you lot feel in a week? A calendar month? A year?" And you can compress an overstated trouble with a maxim like, "This too shall laissez passer." If you dare, help them empathize with the other person in the disharmonize.
6. Validate your friend'due south feelings in the state of affairs. If you honestly think your friend is right, say and so: "You have every correct to experience hurt (or angry, suspicious, sad)." Once when I was describing an extremely difficult situation, a friend exclaimed to me, "But that's non fair to yous!" Her blunt comment dissolved my confusion, put some iron in my spine, and helped me be fairer to myself in the time to come.
7. Ask, "What would brand y'all feel all-time about yourself?" and other identity questions. Identity questions assistance your friend go far touch with the values that make them the person they are. Here are some others: "What is really of import to you?"; "What kind of life do y'all desire to atomic number 82?"; and, "What kind of person exercise you desire to go?"
8. Enquire, "How can I help?" Only be prepared to set boundaries if direct assistance would draw you lot likewise tightly into your friend's knotty trouble.
9. If you feel compelled to give directly communication, do information technology. Some friends truly want and need to hear your opinion. Honest feedback, even when information technology may be hard to hear, can be just the tonic they need. Emphasize that your friend can have your communication or get out it. And perhaps you could add, "Of class I don't know all the details. Yous are the decider. And any you decide, you're still my friend!"

What might work with ane friend might not work with another. Use your expert judgment. Ideally, your communication will strengthen your friend and requite them more confidence in their own judgment in the future. And if you feel like yous are getting in too deep, recall that ultimately information technology'south your friend'south job to solve their own problems, not yous. If y'all practise feel overwhelmed, consider recommending professional help.

Sometimes I find my own advice—or non-advice—almost impossible to follow. In fact, correct at this moment, I can feel my halo slipping down my head. I have broken every one of these guidelines, just in the past year. Only there's a fashion to salve the situation: If, like me, you ever find yourself blurting out advice and then regretting it, you could follow up with a comment like, "But of class the choice is upwardly to you."

What about yous? What advice has helped or hurt y'all? What works when y'all requite advice?

Meg Selig is the writer of Changepower! 37 Secrets to Habit Modify Success (Routledge, 2009). Similar her on Facebook or follow her on Twitter.

(c) Million Selig, 2014

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Source: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/changepower/201410/9-ways-be-there-friend-without-giving-advice

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